Say It With Plants

I really wish plants would just shut their filthy mouths and mind their own business.

Now I understand people talking to plants is meant to be a good thing but the reverse I find unsettling and just plain annoying. Here’s one example:

Plants, can't live with 'em...

Cocky plants…

I know you’re trying to grow, do you do ANYTHING else?

Besides, you look like ass: most of you is drying up and you’re not even aesthetically pleasing, you’re like a big mess of pathetic weeds next to a bunch of stairs!

And I’m talking to plants again…

I'm talking to a plastic plant...

What’s “happening” to us Marky? 😉

I really hate the idea of plants talking to me and taunting me, like that demanding rose in The Little Prince, it’s like: shut up plants! What could you POSSIBLY have to say?

Harsh

Bwaaaaah?

Let me get this straight: ALL men (specifically) live like careless animal drones, eating their own dung, living in filth…and plant pills are their one and true saviour?

So not only do plants talk to me but they’re worried about my health and plan little sexist interventions, patronizing me like an unhealthy child and giving me advice like they know what they’re talking about.

Plants are assholes. Even Google images has had its share of weird plant-related freak-outs:

I can't beleaf it...

Oh great! They’re moving now? Whatever next? Singing and dancing plants?

Audrey II

That’s fine, Audrey II’s cool and sassy singing voice almost makes up for its homicidal, man-eating tendencies. And I thought plants were meant to help us PIG MEN?

All in all, if plants want to speak they should just watch what they say and remember who’s in charge. Stick to saying useful things like:

That's right!

There! NOW you’re saying it with plants.

But wait…

THOSE AREN’T PEAS!!!!

AE

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