You know, for kids!

What’s happening to kids’ films?

It’s only March and already it looks like 2011 will become the “nothing wrong here” year for animated films. And I’m not only blaming this on *shudder* Elton John’s Gnomeo and Juliet which single handedly destroyed any shred of respect one could possibly still have for the likes of Jason Statham and Ozzy Osbourne.

Well duuuh!

But then Rango comes along and it’s like “alright, this looks original and interesting”. And although the film itself wasn’t particularly exciting, it was still creative, visually impressive and fun. It’s a shame the plot boiled down to a clichéd western we’ve seen a million times and the film was way too long but on the whole: not bad.

It is in the pre-Rango trailers, though, that one could see a promise of the dark clouds looming ahead…

Oh man…where do I start?

So besides being a blatant made-for-Easter money ogre, Hop seems to be on a mission to be about as irritatingly “hip” as possible. The bunny’s got his “we’re film producers and we know exactly what kids wear/say/like/do/want” kit all ready: drumkit, check. T shirt under short-sleeved shirt, check…

Hoppin' Rad, man!

Yes, because every teenager has one of THESE lying around in their bedroom these days:


So weird. The carrot wallpaper is cute though. Geddit? He’s a bunny…

Not sure what to make of his poster though.

Surfer X-Ing

Only $69.50 on

Then this guy comes in and starts talking some shit and it’s like: “blahdeeblahdeeblah”…

Egg globe.


EGG GLOBE! What are they teaching this child? Can you imagine the size of the intergalactic hen???

Easter whores...

Gee, I wonder how many more hilarious egg jokes Hop has to offer! (loads)

The trailer proceeds to destroy James Marsden’s career much like Jason Lee’s in Alvin and the Chipmunks.

What's in The Box, James?

The bunny then shits out jelly beans as Marsden joyfully enters the snowman: “So you can talk and you poop candy!”. Yup, nothing wrong there. Oh and The Hoff shows up at the end in what’s probably the only joke he’ll get to make throughout the entire film. Minus the intrusive noisy zoom in. (I hate those)

So yeah, that’s April sorted. But THERE is worse:

Turtly? Ugh...

Feeeeew things wrong with this one:

They look so smooth!

They look like flying babies.

They don’t look like turtles.

They all have Nemo’s eyeballs.

The words: “shell shocking” and “turtly”.

One of the turtles is voiced by Gemma Arterton, truly this generation’s great talent.

Oh and I can’t tell these turtles apart! So in the trailer when stuff like this happens:


Or this…


Or, indeed, my favourite:


No matter how you look at it, that last one’s inappropriate.

And what’s with these weird London accents taking over every animated characters? Is it really a good idea to have every bunny/turtle/gnome sound like Chris Evans? The lack of originality here is almost overpowering: the setting and characters could all be in Finding Nemo (and they are), the title sounds like a sequel to Shark Tale and the story is like a copy/paste template from just about every Pixar/Disney film ever made. Oh, here’s the trailer:

And if that didn’t do it for you, here’s another blast from the ass and the one that had me feeling queasy:


Ok so remember when Robert Zemeckis tried to make animation look “real” with The Polar Express and only succeeded in giving kids nightmares with characters which looked like this:

Bi Polar Express

Well this is pretty much what we get in Mars Needs Moms. Like the first couple of shots of the trailer I was like “ok, NWH, Joan Cusack’s talking to some snotty kid…wait…”. Then I realised I was in fact looking at shiny, smooth CGI puppets in front of super-rendered backgrounds (both of which don’t quite mesh, of course). When exactly did kids in movies start looking like 85 year old hobos?

Are you OLD?

So the kid’s mum is abducted by Martians and on the spaceship he finds some crazy fat guy (sounding suspiciously like Danny McBride) who, at least, has some texture to his face. But that’s also when you realise that everyone’s got their “we’re film producers and we know exactly what kids wear/say/like/do/want” kit all booted up as we hear things like “This is sooooo cool!”, “Awesome!” or “Milo? I’ll call you my bro, check it!” or “You and me bro, we’ll play video games all day!” oh and of course “Mellow out man! I’m not bustin’ you!”…the list no doubt goes on.

“The fact is, Mars needs moms”

Oh Danny, what have they done to ya? Your words are covered in ass!


Aaaaaah! What the hell…IS that?

Ok, Mars needs to die. Mars is terrifying!

That bit when they’re both falling down is horrible. The guy’s talking but whatever he’s saying is so long and covered in SOUND that all I hear is “Brabrabrabrabrabarbraaah something something underwear”. And THAT’s the trailer’s final quote. Yikes.

Yeah, Mars Needs Moms looks abysmal. It’s like The Polar Express meets Wall-E meets…whatever that Avatar animated B movie was…meets Malcolm in the Middle. It looks ugly, sounds annoying, feels messy and, oh that’s right, it’s called MARS NEEDS MOMS! And that’s actually the story, folks.

So yeah, loads to look forward to, kids. Oh and Rio‘s coming out too! And if the ungodly Orange adverts are anything to go by it’ll be birds cackling, pecking at my brain for 2 hours. My advice, go see Rango now little ones because you won’t get any better than this unless Hayao Miyazaki’s latest comes out in time. Oh and Pixar’s new film? Cars 2.

Because Cars was so…good?

They’re talking CARS!!!


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One Response to You know, for kids!

  1. i like what you wrote, it was hilarious, amazing. Thanks for the update

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