S.O.S. Dolphins

You ever sit around, pondering dolphins?

Of course I don’t expect an answer. I know you have. And so have I! Which is what prompted me to notice that I’ve never actually seen a whole episode of TV series Flipper! I heard it was basically Lassie with dolphins but never bothered to check.

Then my mum goes: “Oh, you ever watch Oum Le Dauphin?” (translation: Oum The Dolphin) to which I obviously replied by shaking my head from side to side before diving right into Youtube’s pool of forgotten shit. Sadly, couldn’t find the cartoon (the opening is on Dailymotion) but I did find this little gem:

I know, France had the best ads back in the day (read: worst ever).

So many things…Ok, why are these two kids alone on a boat seemingly NAKED in the middle of the ocean? Why are they feeding glowing white chocolate powered from the Sun to a dolphin? What kind of name is Oum? It sounds like the sound you make when a small bird accidentally flies into your ass. And why is the whole thing so gruesome? I mean, the fight…and they totally kill this shark!

What's that Oum? Nothing wrong...?

Plus the animation is so erratic and weird, I feel like I’ve been given a Pulp Fiction-style shot of adrenaline to the heart, delicious white-chocolaty adrenaline…

But back to Flipper. So I watch a random episode (my very first) of the show on Youtube and, to my horror, discover that Flipper isn’t the sweet, kind-hearted dolphin I always thought he was! Quite the opposite in fact. Here’s a little video I made outlining the evil within the beast:

So essentially had Flipper not been there, none of this would have happened. Great! Good thing that dolphin’s there! Also, surely the doctor remembers being brutalised by Flipper underwater? What, did he just forget? If you ask me that dolphin’s more of a threat than that pathetic little fish he caught: dolphins are huuuuuuuge!

ONE episode I watch of that show and the titular dolphin almost ends someone’s life. I don’t remember Lassie running around, giving people rabies, foaming at the mouth then solving the very problems she herself caused! Essentially these shows are like mini murder mysteries but with little mystery and no actual murders, only mild threats and a “detective” animal obviously smarter (and noisier) than every human being on screen. Although in this case the animal detective is…also the killer?

Well I guess that’s all the dolphin-related nothing wrong heres I can think of…

BOOSH!

Hahaaaah! You’ve just been Zeus and Roxanned!

Although not fully, there ARE sillier posters out there.

enterthedolphin

Yes the first poster has Steve Guttenberg and co. growing on the sea like tiny hairy mushrooms (and Zeus mounting Roxanne) BUT the second poster has close ups of Roxanne speaking to Zeus IN FRONT of Zeus mounting Roxanne. Nothing, of course, would be wrong there if Zeus and Roxanne weren’t a dog and dolphin respectively.

Lets thank Jeebus they are.

I think the Trailer says it all although it is missing the line “If a dog and a dolphin can get along, why can’t your mom, and my dad?” (something like that) BECAUSE YOU’RE A MORON. Go and think about what you just said you stupid, stupid little girl.

Oh lol, thanks Youtube:

What could I possibly say about this film that could emphasize how idiotic its premise actually is…Hell, I’ll just say the premise: a dog has a boner for a dolphin and they form a friendship (Roxanne playing hard to get, the little minx) through the magic of Disney MAGIC. Meanwhile Steve Guttenberg says something or other and the guy who plays The Mummy in the Brendan Fraser films has a moustache…

This is basically “Lassie & Flipper: The Movie” (together at last…) trying to “cash” in on both TV shows somehow (oh and Free Willy) but only leaving you with scarring images of canine-on-mammal-fish sex. Thanks Hollywood! NOW I can masturbate.

Zeus! How could you?

Nope.

*defecates*

Theeeeeere it is.

Nope…

AE

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