You’ve all marveled at these new pictures no doubt by now. You’ve all taken them in quietly. You have, without even knowing, already entered the snowman.
Why the new Annie Leibovitz pictures of course! You know Annie, she’s the one behind that famous John Lennon/Yoko Ono photo:
She’s photographed The Rolling Stones, she was behind that naked/pregnant Demi Moore photo and that quirky homage to Hitchcock I actually quite liked (as pointless as it was!). The idea of a portly Seth Rogen in North By Northwest…
…Robert Downey Jr in To Catch a Thief…
…or Jodie Foster in The Birds, for a Hitch fan, really is pure guilty pleasure.
But then one morning I open the paper and THIS pops up:
Nothing wrong there. Wait, what’s this? Lets take a closer look.
Oh no you di’n’t!
Yes, it is Jeff Bridges and Penelope Cruz re-enacting the end of Beauty and the Beast. As weird as it would be seeing both actors together in a FILM, this is just pushing the snowman’s door pretty hard.
The Hitchcock pics worked (well…) because they had a fun irony to them but these Disney ones…oh my god. First things first: they look CGI. Nothing feels real, It’s like a joke and maybe it is…but I don’t get it? Like WHY do these pictures exist? Check this one out:
At first I was like “ok, nice Photoshop job, dorks” but then I saw this:
So you bothered these people, put them in ridiculous costumes, melted them under gargantuan lights…and then Photoshopped the shit out of them to the point where they just look like joke parodies you find by mistake on like the 6th page of a Google Images search. I don’t see the point. Jeff Bridges looks like he’s had his face taken from one of his movies and pasted on some young stud’s body, Penelope Cruz looks uncomfortable and Queen Latifah…is an octopus. There’s loads of these: Scarlett Johansson as Cinderella, Rachel Weisz as Snow White…the list goes on but here are my favourites.
Julianne Moore as Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Lets take away the fact that even though everything’s blue, nothing actually looks like it’s underwater, lets take away the fact that Ariel is meant to be like 16, lets take away the fact that the Olympic swimmer at the bottom looks like Nicolas Cage…I just can’t look at this picture without seeing this:
Oh screw it…
There. Now my world is complete.
Another favourite includes:
Nothing wrong here…Mikhail Baryshnikov just looks a) like a woman and b) about 75 years old. Oh and the tights…
I gotta say that little horse on the bottom right hand corner terrifies me. My face actually fears it. But not as much as…
This one’s just horrible. The background looks shit, Oliver Platt…just…no. And yes, you haven’t lost your mind, it IS Beyoncé as Alice on the left. I think by that point, Annie and the snowman were one and the same: she was picking random names out of a hat. Let me try. Hmmmm…lets see…Jeremy Irons and Lady Gaga. There. Take a fucking picture.
Also try to check out the Keira Knightley Wizard Of Oz pics, Roger Federer looking about 10 years old as King Arthur, Alec Baldwin as the mirror on the wall out of Snow White, Jessica Biel running around as Pocahontas and J-Lo as Jasmin from Aladdin.
Yes, the Disney pics might have jumped the shark just a little and needlessly wasted more than their share of talent/time/money/ideas but it could have been worse. There have been more offensive rapings of Annie Leibovitz’s photography.
THIS is how it’s done people.
Enter that snowman.