Cinematic Man Humps

Every so often, a filmmaker comes along with the mad notion that babies and pregnancy are hilarious and therefore are a potent source of ideas for comedy.

These filmmakers should be birthed again as punishment.

Look at Nine Months

exitthesnowman

Ok don’t look at it, just keep reading this post. You’ve got Hugh Grant as a guy who freaks out when his girlfriend becomes pregnant and…hilarity ensues? No. He acts like a selfish, immature twat. Correct me if I’m wrong but that’s just…tragic.

And what about cinematic turd Dr T(urd) and the Women?

The "Special" Edition: now with added full frontal birthings.

A film which joyfully ends with a graphic birth scene, with the camera facing…front. Jesus, I could almost taste that placenta…

Or was it tasting me?

More recently, we had Knocked Up which was hugely popular despite the fact that the only funny bits were the bits around the pregnancy part of the film. Oh and baby-wise, I don’t think I need to justify why films like Baby’s Day Out, Look Who’s Talking and the Baby Geniuses “franchise” aren’t in my Top 1000 classic movie list.

Some filmmakers, though, know that babies aren’t enough. So they take that one step further into an admittedly potentially entertaining territory…

The Incubator

…PREGNANT MEN!

Everyone’s seen or, at the very least, heard of Junior, a film so inherently moronic that it’s a miracle everyone involved is still allowed to make movies! It’s like, Twins, ok, DeVito and Arnie are twins, nothing wrong there. But pregnant Arnie…

No…just….no.

To be fair it COULD have been funny and parts of the film do have some comedic potential. I mean, for one thing Arnie’s playing a scientist…a pregnant scientist! Then, of course, this happens:

Lady Arnie

 And lets not forget the now infamous scary Arnold baby scene:

Mamaaaaa!

Horrendous.

Ultimately though, Junior was rubbish. Taking itself waaaaay too seriously and going the schmaltzy route when the one joke of this one-joke movie was pretty straight forward to begin with! Arnie gets pregnant, Danny DeVito’s the dad…

Do you NEED more???

So that’s the most famous pregnant man movie out there. But lets go back in time to 1978, a much simpler time, when Joan Rivers was somehow allowed to make movies.

Where DO you buy those?

Yes, before the Ex-Governator even gave birth, Billy Crystal was impregnated by Joan Rivers in a film so hyperactive, incomprehensible and politically…incorrect that watching it requires some kind of brain-slowing drug.

Oh, and in case you think there are more Joan Rivers-directed films, there aren’t. That was it, folks. One pregnant man movie: curtain call.

Why IS that?

entertheracistdwarfmanpuppet

Awkward.

You thought that was unsettling? There’s like half an hour of this! Not that scene (can you imagine?) but similarly offensive idiocy.

Basically, Crystal gets pregnant after a one-night stand and he’s taken around the world for whatever reason and that whole around-the-world sequence basically takes the time to offend pretty much every country there is, the whole time keeping a Mel Brooks-on-coke rhythm. So yeah, another pregnant man movie, another dud.

AMAZINGLY, there is another pregnant man movie!

A Slightly Pregnant Man

This one, courtesy of La France, also boasts an interesting cast! You’ve got Catherine Deneuve and Marcelo Mastroianni as the titular big bellied sod. So weird. How do you go from this:

8 1/2

To this:

8 1/2 Months

Weird.

Surprisingly, THIS is as good as it gets. A Slightly Pregnant Man is technically the better pregnant man movie, that said, I would rather watch Junior again. I’ll explain.

The premise of A Slightly Pregnant Man is hugely frustrating. The guy gets nauseous, goes to the doctor, he’s reffered to a gynaecologist who announces to him that he’s pregnant. So far, nothing wrong here. It is mentioned that they can’t do an X-ray on him because of the pregnancy so Marcello enjoys his new found pregnant man fame for like 3 months, only to find out…

SPOILER ALERT!

He’s not pregnant.

And then the film ends.

No explanation, no joke.

The film ends.

I mean, you go see a pregnant man movie, the very least you expect…is a pregnant man! I know I’m being picky but…come on!

“Oh, come and check out our pregnant man movie, it’s great except it’s boring and doesn’t involve pregnant men!”

Ok, what else do you have to offer?

“Um…people talking…there’s a hair salon at one point…”

Any pregnant men?

“I told you: NO PREGNANT MEN!!!”

But the film is called…

“You’re not listening to what I’m saying: there’s a HAIR salon!”

Is it pregnant?

“Ughhhh…”

What were they thinking? I mean, it’s odd enough making a pregnant man movie in the first place but making a pregnant man-less pregnant man movie just feels like a lot of effort wasted on a puff of air. At least Junior had Arnie in a dress, jeez.

Oh, although A Slightly Pregnant Man does have one of the best nothing wrong here scenes ever, I’ll give it that.

Yes, THAT makes sense.

 enterthefoetus

The search for the perfect pregnant man movie continues…

AE

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