So I’m walking down the road, feeling the wind in my hair, smelling the roses…the usual stuff. When I pass by 2 things:
1/ This sign:
Which I’m aware is a normal, everyday sign but…come on! There’s clearly “nothing wrong here”! I’ll help ya: it’s funny because the elderly are everywhere, it’s funny because one of them has a hand up the other’s ageing rectum, it’s funny because the sign feels the need to explain what it means with writing and it’s funny because both old people represented are bald.
But anyway, second thing, I look to my right and see, behind a seemingly harmless mini-van:
*takes off glasses*
*puts glasses back on*
Why, oh why, do the nice folks at Rentokil feel the need to specify what kind of insects they want to eradicate off the face of the earth but then proceed to generalise the likes of “rodents” and “birds”? Surely the term “insects” paints a clearer picture in the public’s mind of what a pest is better than “birds” or “rodents”? I mean, there are over 10000 species of birds out there and, you know what, apart from I guess pigeons I have no idea which others could be considered pests. As for rodents…is there a big hamster problem I don’t know about?
I mean, if they’re gonna name different types of insects, they should do it right.
OR, if they really want to generalise…
Come on Rentokil, get logical.
But the journey doesn’t end here.
So I’m thinking about all this (my life sucks ass) and I decide to Google Image all the wonders I’ve seen. First I find THAT mini van:
Which totally reminded me of that creepy guy with the moustache on the van itself. What’s with the satisfaction? YOU’RE KILLING ALL BIRDS!!!
Anyway, I’m Google Imaging this and that…
…in the hope of perhaps finding hilarious pictures of half bird/half beetle creatures but instead the weirdest mix of things just pops up. First, this book:
To be fair this is the most relevant thing relating to my search that came up. Once again though, I get why pigeons get a bad rep but the other two…they just look like birds to me. I’ve never personally felt pestered by these guys. Yes info on Bird Flu and bird-related diseases are important but I don’t see the need to vilify birds and call them “invaders” like they’re tiny alien angels of death! Like the birds WANT to mess with us, which, if that’s the case, is a misdemeanor? I say we trial these flying sons of bitches…
I scroll down…
Who made this?
It’s like if I described birds to my ass: that’s what he would make.
That’s right: HE.
Best. Wanted. Poster. Ever.
All I could think about was how as kids we’re shown all these birds as these amazing things, these hilarious goofy characters, these cute, cuddly beings and then we grow up to find they’re all essentially serial murderers. It’s heartbreaking! Just look at this:
Apart from Drinky Crow, who really needs help, those Animaniacs pigeons, mobsters, and Woody, who is just way too loud, I really don’t find these birds threatening.
Last but not least…
I don’t like the look of this…
It’s like one of those “what happens next” photos. There’s a murderous look in that pigeon’s eye…or is it…love? Whatever it is, that bird’s getting satisfaction one way or another. Man, this is like one big Rentokil orgy! You’ve got your crawling insects, your flying insects, your rodent, your bird…together at last.
Hm, how do I end this post on something funny…
Pests…birds…Google Images? Any ideas?