Squid News Is Bad News

Why do I find it so hard to read the papers these days?

Right.

Where do I start?

First, lets take a look at that oh so misleading headline:

‘SEX WITH A DEAD SQUID’ CHARGE

Now maybe it’s just me but from that headline I expected the man pictured was guilty of something both sad and hilarious. I guess in a way he was but…

He didn’t sex that squid is what I’m sayin’.

So first the article reveals the bullshit nature of that genius headline by revealing that pictured dude was in fact just carrying a photograph of another dude sexing a dead squid…

Then we learn that the guy was arrested when a stash of porn was found on his computer. Which really doesn’t sound quite as weird or uncommon as sexing a dead squid but whatever…

Then my favourite bit:

“Prosecutors amended the charge when it was admitted it could have been an octopus.”

LOLGASM

So great.

But THEN the shit hits the fan as the article reveals something gross-sounding about our main man, hilariously called Dymond btw, facing charges for “making indecent images of children” at some point in time. Not only is this vague but does this mean he took photographs or just… doodled kids on the margin of his address book?

Which would still be pervy and gross but also kinda lame.

I like that he lives in a place called Mumbles as well. Awesome way to end one of the best/worst things I’ve ever read.

What a rollercoaster ride. Do you realise that we entered bestiality, penetrated through necrophilia, took a detour at child pornography before settling in Mumbles? All in the space of one shitty little paragraph?

Why can’t I read the papers anymore?

BECAUSE THEY’RE FREAKIN’ INSANE!!!

Ok, maybe I’m being unfair. What does the Evening Standard have to say for itself?

W…

Wha… ?

*rapes dead squid*

*takes picture*

It’s cool you guys: it’s cool.

It’s an octopus.

AE

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